What have I learned in the past year?
That some people love you even when you aren’t what they expected. That even if you aren’t a xtian or perfect or even related by blood, you’re family. That people who love you not only take off from work to drive over and explain which wire will electrocute you, and never complain, but joke about it later. And help you get mummified animals out of your new chimney. And bring a chainsaw over to level off your lopsided fenceposts. And audibly smile when you surprise them by calling at work. And are awestruck and thrilled by a gift as simple as a website or a wallace and grommit video or a bronze lighthouse music box. Agree with you that the Raiders suck for leaving LA. Explain to you why it’s ok that you got laid off, while everyone else is crying for you. Tell you, and others, emphatically, how good you did, especially when they thought you might have been in over your head. Never really think you’re in over your head. Spend hours talking about your differences and agreements in politics without getting upset. And laughing.
That people who love you put on paper party crowns and play the spoons while you play the kazoo, when you’re the only two halfway sober people in the room.
That people don’t play the spoons for you unless they know you love them back.
That lessons are usually learned too late.
That life goes on, even when you don’t want it to.
I miss the fuck out of you, daddy. And the closest thing I have to faith is hoping there’s some kind of afterlife, so I can see you again. Again outside of the dreams where I almost pass you on the street and then realize it’s you and pounce on you sobbing. And wake up sobbing.
happy birthday, dad. miss you.
fuck. meltdown. that was scary as shit. even the dog wouldn’t come near me.
mom says she did the same thing on sunday night, tho.
god damn it. he was the only person in my whole life who ever told me i could do anything right. he was the one who acted like i must be insane, whenever i thought there was somehting i couldn’t do. he was supposed to give me away at my wedding and play with my kids and fucking live forever. and i ended up helping the funeral home poeple carry him out of the house in a plastic fucking bag, because he was 6′8″ and there were only two of them. mydaddy in a plastic bag. i’ve been sobbing for an hour and i can’t stop and i don’t know what else to do but write. i just want to fdie, it hurts so much.
god damn it, i just want my daddy back. the only one who loved me. the only one who said i could do anything right. i want my fucking daddy back.
fuck your winter. fuck your snow and ice. i want my fucking dad back.
yeah, so my grandmother died this morning. i asked my uncle jan not to tell her that my dad died until she was stronger, but i guess he really thought it was necessary. they think it was probably a heart attack, but i think she just gave up. she was ready to go anyway, and this just pushed her over the edge.
maybe i’ll stop pinging weblogs until i can muster up something good to say. i’m sure this isn’t helping anyone’s morale… so how ’bout that zora, huh? go girl. *sigh*
if my dad could tell me anything, i know he’d tell me not to be sad. so let me just express one thing to you guys. i know you’ve heard it before. anybody can be a father, but it takes a badass to be a dad. it’s easy for me to forget that my dad wasn’t my real father. my biological father walked out on us when i was a kid. he missed my birthdays, school parties, vacations, holidays.
and my dad was right there to pick up the pieces. he gave me a home, listened to my boring kid-stories, straightened me out when i did something dumb. he taught me to drive, rescued my first cat off the roof, talked me into learning cobol, and dropped everything to come to my house if i got stumped on a project. he never let me forget that i could do anything i set my mind to, and he was there to tell me that i did a great job when i finished, and that he was proud of me.
he had no reason to do these things. but he did. i’ve mentioned before that he’s the kind of christian that all christians think they are, but almost none really ever become. he saw that i needed a dad, and he became mine. i was blessed and honored to have him while i did. and even thru the pain, it’s so easy to see the good memories.