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Dizzying Intellect » Funny

Category: Funny

Picking Hate Over Funny

I love (LOVE) Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death. There was a time shen I considered it my favorite movie. It’s funny and campy and clever and adorable, and Adrienne Barbeau kicks so much ass.

So it’s personally crushing to me, to see what Bill Maher has devolved into. He has the ability to be so funny, but he chooses to just be angry and ugly and hateful instead. And it’s not because he opposes my personal beliefs, because I find Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert hilarious (most of the time).

Maher was in town performing last night — and the Post-Dispatch returns to its liberal roots, and treats him to their typical sycophantic slobberfest.

At the Fox Theatre on Thursday night, comedian Bill Maher imagined what his critics must say about him. “There goes Bill Maher, hating America first,” he said. “But I don’t hate America first. I have my coffee, burn an American flag, perform five abortions, and then I hate America.”

He was joking, of course.

Uh huh. The fact that he follows up later with a statement that Americans are so gullible that they believe “anything you write on the Internet is true if you don’t add LOL” kinda makes me question the hilarity of that observation.

Some of the lines quoted in the article are actually pretty funny, but of course a stand-up routine has to be presentable to a wide audience. Here’s what he sounds like when he’s not performing for Mr and Mrs Midwest:

– At the debate in New York with Coulter, he said that “if it wasn’t for the two coasts, this country would have been sold off to China thirty years ago” (But he loves you, St Louis!) and called Nancy Reagan “batshit crazy.”

– On Larry King, he said that America is “a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.”

– And last month, on his own show, Maher said “Can anybody tell me why in 2009, we still have more than 50,000 troops in Germany and 30,000 in Japan? At some point these people are going to have to learn to rape themselves.”

Yep. Hi. F’ing. Larious. No America hater, he.

Observations

My favorite tweet from while I was gone (too late to reply now…)

girlarsonist - Warning sign #44 that you’re narcissistic: You name your dog after yourself. Case in point: BO. #tcot

True.

Bizkit the Sleep Walking Dog

Holy crap. I’m totally biting my tongue and trying so hard not to laugh out loud, and there are three people across the hall who must think I’m having a seizure.

Yes, I feel guilty for laughing, but I’ll watch it again too.

PhotoProzac

This has been maybe the most stressful two days of my entire career — relying on other people to make a deadline is really, really hard for me, and this one was very bumpy. It turned out ok (so far), but only by scrambling. Oof.

Hate scrambling.

Anyway, I can’t believe something just shook me completely out of my funk.

I’m not going to link it, because (a) she’s a not-often-vocal liberal, and (b) if you don’t read her regularly, you really just won’t get it — and she gets enough crazy hate mail without me risking sending her more.

But if you love Heather Dooce (yes, I really do that with bloggers’ names, a la David Treppenwitz, Erica Swirlspice, Heather and Jessica Fug), go look.

(1/27/09 entry, for future reference)

I’ve been back twice, and I still laugh so hard I have tears in my eyes.

Giving Up

Huh. T-Shirt Hell is going out of business. And it’s apparently not the economy (I was going to say “I guess maybe this recession thing is real after all” until I read the real reason.)

Some of their stuff is fairly offensive, but it’s funny-offensive. I’ve never seen anything that pissed me off. Well, except the Harry Potter spoiler shirt that came out about three days after book six, but that’s a different kind of offensive.

Anyway, there’s a sale for the last two weeks, and hopefully it’s not just a scam to sell more shirts. I have this (obviously), this (which is out of print), and this (which I sometimes wear to the range when it’s warm enough for short sleeves), and I’ll probably buy a few more.

This cracks me up; and the Pooh, Calvin and Hobbes, and Beaker/Honeydew ones too.

Nerd Humor

I almost never bother to post stuff like this, forwards from family members, but this is exactly the kind of humor that makes me laugh. (I think this may be a combination of multiple years, because some of them are familiar, but others aren’t…)

Here are the winners of this year’s Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Ahhhh.

Ok, I feel better now. This guy always cheers me up.

p.s. - It took me a while to find it, so I’ll link it: You can support Alfonzo here.

2009 In Review

Looking back on 2009, in advance.

JANUARY
Barack Obama makes history as the first African-American sworn in as President of the United States; Invoking legacy of Franklin Roosevelt, promises America “nine years of economic depression, four years of world war, eventual nuking of Japan”

FEBRUARY
Winless Detroit Lions score an upset victory in NFL Super Bowl thanks to secret clause in U.S. auto industry bailout plan; jubilant Detroit fans go on celebratory 5-day citywide arson rampage, resulting in almost $12 in property damage

Read the whole thing. It’s Iowahawk at a different website. Hilarious.

The Original Office

Moving on.

This will only be funny to Office fans, but since there are a lot of us out there, here you go:

Is that really Steve Carrell? The hair and eyebrows keep throwing me off. I thought it was the real Pam, too, until the close up. Cracks me up.

Brrrr.

Brrr

We need some global warming
Icicles are swarming
Al Gore’s at the window
His theories he’s reforming

Yes we need some global warming
To stop the frostbite forming

We need some global warming NOW.

[I'm here all week. Tip your waitstaff.]

Also, can somebody tell me how to train a dog to pee in the bathtub? Thanks.