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Dizzying Intellect » Funny

Category: Funny

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Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing

I’m still doing that silent chuckling thing you do at work, over this, ten minutes later. Seriously. Go read it.

(via Laurel)

Just what do you think you’re doing, Dave?

It’s been more than a full day, and I still can’t stop giggling at this picture.

Skipping It

The guy who wrote the “100 Things To Do Before You Die” book… died recently. Presumably he’d completed most of his list. One hopes.

In that spirit, here’s What NOT to do before you die (most of which I’ve actually done):

SKYDIVE

Jumping out of a plane for fun must seem ridiculous to those people who have been forced to do so during a war.

Indeed, if you are going to play at being a paratrooper, why stop at being a modern soldier? Why not go back a few centuries and try charging across a muddy field while hundreds of stout yeomen fire longbows at you?

GO TO GLASTONBURY (OR ANY OTHER ROCK FESTIVAL)

For starters, tents (and festivals involving camping) are vile - apart from when you’re a child and the tent is in your garden, five yards from a fridge and a proper toilet.

They also leak, they’re freezing and they stink of. .. tent stink.

Hilariously written, and I think we can all use a laugh right now, right? So get the hell out of here. Read the whole thing.

That’s Blackmail!

More Election Eve hilarity — this one courtesy of Iowahawk.

Come on, it’s laugh or drink, and it’s too early to drink.

[via Quid Nimis]

I Knew Something Looked Wrong

I don’t know if this is new or not. I can’t keep track of what season Robot Chicken’s on, because they randomly throw out episodes between seasons.

Anyway. It cracked me up.

Read more »

Ben Bernanke

You’re either going to laugh uncontrollably at this until you hurt something vital in your thorax, or you’re going to think I’m psychotic.

I’d say “let me know which,” but if it’s the latter, you’ll probably never come back.

Barman

As long as we’re doing funny, here’s one of my favorite Fry and Laurie skits:

King of Bavaria

For your viewing pleasure: Eddie Izzard visits Craig Ferguson on the Late Late Show. Two of my hugest crushes.

Very very fast. Don’t blink.


“And that’s when I shot him”

I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I’m totally addicted to CourtTV (I know, it’s now TruTV, but that’s a dumb name). But I only watch the forensics shows, like Forensic Files and FBI Files and that Dayle Hinman show — not the crazy car chase and dashboard cam cop shows, which I find insultingly banal.

Until this weekend. They had a mini-marathon of an apparently new show, called The Smoking Gun Presents World’s Dumbest Criminals. Ugh. I deal with idiots every day, I have no interest in watching them on film. But after snorting in annoyance, and just before changing the channel, I happened to get a glimpse of what the show’s about.

It’s not just morons on tape. They have B- and C-list celebrities with dodgy pasts — like Danny Bonaduce and Tonya Harding — mocking the dumbasses in the studio. Now that, I will watch.

The website linked above has videos, but they don’t have my favorite, so watch the rest while I find it…

World History 101

I don’t usually post email forwards, but my boss’s boss sent this out this morning, and it made me laugh. I had no idea he swung right, even though I do know that he barbeques. He sent it to our whole group, so I expect him to get a call from HR later in the day…

For those who slept through World History 101…… here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history…….

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to some liberals… just to yank their chain.