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Dizzying Intellect » Geek Girl

Category: Geek Girl

Nerd Humor

I almost never bother to post stuff like this, forwards from family members, but this is exactly the kind of humor that makes me laugh. (I think this may be a combination of multiple years, because some of them are familiar, but others aren’t…)

Here are the winners of this year’s Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Don’t. Even. Ask.

I’m reading Diamond Age again — it’s probably in my top twenty favorite books — and something keeps bugging me. It’s not even really about the book, exactly, it’s just something that keeps nagging at my brain.

They have these Matter Compilers, machines that take individual atoms, and build whatever you need. Or whatever you ask for, rather. Anything from a bed to roller skates to sushi, to whatever. They apparently don’t do food well, and everything’s really hollow and lightweight, but it can produce a fully-functional facsimile of almost anything.

And it got me thinking. Which is never a good thing. The basic “building blocks of life” are primarily from the upper right corner of the periodic table, and looking at these pieces, we have… Oxygen, which smells like ozone, like the air just before a thunderstorm. Carbon, which smells like ashes. Copper, which tastes like a mouthful of pennies. Iron, which smells like rusty old cars. Sulfur smells like rotten eggs (or hell). Nitrogen smells like ammonia.

But everything’s made up of atoms. So how to you combine ozone, ashes, and rust, and get something that tastes like a strawberry? Or smells like a banana?

I’m not looking for an answer, really. I know it’s just a fluke, like poisonous sodium and poisonous chlorine combining to form something you use to garnish a margarita. It’s just poking my curiosity. And now you can share my pain. You’re welcome.


I know, I’m going to hell for laughing.

But it’s Archie McPhee. It’s intentionally obtuse.


Just futzing with the stylesheet, quickly fixing a couple of vanilla wp things that have been irritating me. If you see anything weird, let me know.

Hmm. I did say less nerd, didn’t I? Um. So how about that bailout, huh?

Coding -101

Tweedledum was one of the many people who were cut in the latest round of layoffs — and I was actually feeling sort of bad about it. Until just now.

I found an unrelated error in a program that he wrote, back in November, when I moved a critical fix for the program to production. The next and previous buttons, to show each record, weren’t working correctly. They worked occasionally, but then failed randomly.

We couldn’t back out the critical fix, so I just added a new change request for the new issue. I got it back from him last week, saying that it was fixed, but didn’t have time to test it until today.

It still doesn’t work, in exactly the same way. The buttons work 90% of the time, but then do nothing at all on certain records. Since it’s so unpredictably sporadic and odd, I wondered what change he’d made, so I compared the code from test to prod.

This is the entire code change he made to the program, to fix the error:


That’s it. A comment.

*bangs head on desk*

I can’t imagine why it still doesn’t work. Also? So glad that I wasted an hour generating data to test it. And now my conscience feels better about at least one person who’s on unemployment for Christmas, instead of me.

[We now return you to your standard non-nerd programming, already in progress]

Please Connect With Me :)

Anybody else getting sick of receiving these spam messages from, nominally sent by people you know?

I knew they were spam because I got the first one from my mother, at every email address I own. Five times, including the “last chance!” version. I guess you’d have to know my mother to know how hilarious it is that it was sent from her address, since she wants to “connect with me” less than anyone I’ve ever known.

It’d be like getting one of those “I love you” virus emails from your parole officer.

Anyway, I’m getting them from other people too, now, so I reported them on the FTC spam website today. Hopefully it’ll slow down soon. Grr.

Tim & Anne & Johnny & Alice

The Daily Mail has the first picture of Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter.

[girlie scream]

I’m not a rabid Johnny Depp fan or anything, but this sounds really good. And I am a rabid Alice In Wonderland fan. I have popup books, and an old facsimile of the original “Alice’s Adventures Underground” in Carroll’s own handwriting. And those Guinness ads, framed, and antique cigarette cards (are there non-antique cigarette cards?). Et cetera. No kidding.

Very cool. Burton and Depp make beautiful things together.


Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing

I’m still doing that silent chuckling thing you do at work, over this, ten minutes later. Seriously. Go read it.

(via Laurel)


This might be the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in weeks.

Beneath the Sheltering Sky

I’ve been obsessed with archaeology since I was a kid. It’s public knowledge, I think, that I used to do paleontological work in Montana — but before I was given that opportunity, I directed most of my fascination toward ancient Egyptian art and architecture. I even took classes in it, in college.

I was lucky enough to spend some time in Egypt a few years ago, and prowling those old temples was just as amazing as I knew it would be. Saqqara was particularly interesting to me, since that’s where it all started, and the pyramids there are so incredibly ancient — hundreds of years older than even Giza. There’s graffiti on those pyramids that’s older than Rome.

Aside: And I remember walking with my friend Abdou, chatting about Zoser’s tomb, and catching a millisecond glimpse of something that instantly registered as total vastness, over my shoulder. I turned, and that was the best, most breathtaking view of the Sahara that I’ve ever seen. Mindbogglingly beautiful and overwhelming.

Anyway. So I was excited to find that they’ve uncovered a new pyramid in Saqqara, that they believe belonged to Queen Sesheshet — the mother of Teti I. They’ve been finding more ruins, as they dig away the sand that was casually dumped just anywhere, by early explorers. This one’s not nearly as old as some, but that means there are a few seriously gorgeous engravings and paintings still intact.

Look. I love that this guy’s expression is like, “I KNOW!!”