My sister usually sends me the good ones, but this one came from father - the in-line comments are the best part, but they aren’t mine…
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(”Honey, I’m home. What the….?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Ok, here’s my thing with the guy who showed up at my door last night, begging for money and a signature.
He kept going on about our taxes going to pay for jobs that the government is sending overseas. He said we’re going to have to pay $50B in taxes, and lose jobs at the same time. Then he said “It’s ok if companies want to do that, but the government shouldn’t.” But the government doesn’t have thousands of coders and mechanics sitting around. They have to hire private companies to do the work.
As a programmer, I haven’t always been crazy about the idea of sending coding work offshore. But the company I work for (which (a) shall remain nameless, so shut up about it if you’ve figured it out, and (b) does not necessarily share the views represented on this site) sends a small percentage of our programming work to India. They send the little stuff that we don’t have the time to do, and that doesn’t rely heavily on communication to get it right, and they save maybe 30% on that work. So for every $1000 of work they send offshore, that’s $300 they can put back into the company, including my overtime. And it’s not like we’re losing jobs here. Every time I new person joins us, there’s mad scramble for a seat, because we’re packed.
So, is this new money that we’re paying in taxes for these offshore jobs? I’m guessing not, but I’m not sure. I understand that we’re supposed to support American jobs, but I’m not crazy about paying taxes in the first place, so if the government can save money by sending some work offshore, and make me pay less, how is that a bad thing? (Like Mr Lileks, I’m spending most of what I manage to keep on local building contractors, myself.)
And don’t even get me started on his other major selling point - free healthcare for the masses. I pay so fucking much for my health insurance, it makes my head spin, and it’s crappy coverage that I can’t even use unless I get hit by a bus, because it only covers two visits a year. So don’t ask me to pay for someone else’s too.
Ok, Windoze coding geeks, here’s what we need. A little program to hang out in the taskbar and pop up a notice when an email comes into gmail. Just like msn messenger does for hotmail.
If it handled a few IMs or automatically ordered thai when I get hungry or whatever, that’d be ok too. Thanks.
Update: RAWK!! Thank you, Hess! I think I love you, Mr Torrez.
I just received this email…
JK Rowling has today revealed the title for the 6th Harry Potter book on her website http://www.jkrowling.com. We won’t tell you what the title is or where it is hidden on her site, but it is through the door that has been intriguing everyone. If you can’t find it, we will reveal the title here on Monday 5th July. JK Rowling is still writing the 6th book, so we don’t yet have a publication date.
The Bloomsbury Web Club
What? It’s a fix. A small fix, mabye, but still…
(and I love puzzles)
Update: I’m not going to post the name here, because it’s a cool puzzle. If you want to figure it out yourself, or just want to be surprised, don’t go to cnn.com. Assholes.
FOXNews.com - Iraq Becomes Sovereign Before Deadline
Oopsie. I hope that didn’t ruin anyone’s plans. *smirk*
1. Is it wrong that my favorite summer fragance is Deep Woods Off? I’d wear it every day if I didn’t fear my co-workers’ wrath.
2. The Time Traveler’s Wife is amazing. It’s the most romantic thing I’ve read in years. I wish I’d stopped reading around page 400, though. But I watched Zoolander and now I feel better.
3. Since everyone else is doing it, the grammar mistake that drives me batshit? Nauseous. You’re not nauseous (unless you haven’t bathed in a week), you’re nauseated. Stop trying to sound wordy and look it up. Jeez.
4. I turned my windshield wipers on this morning and one of them went flying off. Must be Monday.
5. Since the one person I know who could answer this offhand doesn’t come here anymore, I’ll ask you guys: What’s the story with Texaco? They’re consistently 4
Two random questions for the literate of you, out there. Help clear out the trivia cluttering up my head:
1. Apparently schrecklich means terrifying. Does Shrek mean terror? (edited 3:07pm)
2. Church is to Chapel as Synagogue is to ________?
1. Note to self: No Sudafed after 2pm. Especially none after 4pm. *snore*
2. Oh dear god. A usb memory drive in Swiss Army Knife. I need a moment.
3. I actually really liked Signs. I adore Night Shyamalan, because he’s the only modern director whose films make me check under my bed before I go to sleep. But did he have to use that godawful old Shasta commercial? It’s been stuck in my head for two weeks.
4. Ever feel like you’re the only person on earth who isn’t in love? No? That’s because I am.
5. In their continuing drive to instill unrest in the ’sphere, AFI has published the Top 100 movie songs. No huge surprises. I was going to make a joke about 8 Mile not making the list, but I was wrong. Way to be hip and modern, guys. *sigh* And “Rainbow Connection” needs to be way higher than #74.
6. And finally, Mary-Kate Olsen has an eating disorder. Thank you Captain Obvious.
1. In the 14 seconds that I was awake this weekend (my cold is much better, thank you) I finally watched Timeline. This is one of my very favorite books, and the movie was… well, pretty bad. It stayed pretty close to the book in all of the unimportant ways, with the glaring exceptions being the parts that make it a Michael Crichton novel. The quantum physics, archaological and medieval details, all gone. And the acting was abysmal. But looking at their backgrounds, I’m guessing it was just a really bad script.
2. I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I also watched Joe Schmo 2. It’s brilliant. It’s not so much a prank on these two people as it is a satire of other reality shows. And it’s so nice to see clips of the other characters talking about the weird, bitchy, psycho things they did to freak out the schmos, purely because they aren’t really like that. (for a change.)
3. “In April, London’s National Portrait Gallery showed an hour-long video of star soccer player David Beckham, sleeping; artist Sam Taylor-Wood said she wanted to do an original of the ubiquitously photographed Beckham and realized there was not much that hadn’t already been done.” Yeah, look. It was only slightly clever in 1963. Get a job.
No, I don’t have anything of even the most fleeting relevance to say…
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
– Derek Walcott