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Dizzying Intellect » Frankenboob

Frankenboob

Followup visit for the surgery this morning. I knew I had a hematoma because the one they hacked was weirdly hard in the middle — but I didn’t think it was very big, because they were still relatively the same size and shape, if not the same color.

Doc apologizes about fifty times for the horrific bruising and then tells me that he’s going to try removing the blood from the hematoma with a needle. If it’s still liquid, I won’t have to have another surgery to remove it. He takes out a needle with a barrel that’s maybe… six inches long by 3/4 or 1 inch diameter, I guess. I look away while he’s draining it, and I hear the paper wrapper crackle. He stops when he’s filled BOTH of them, and goes to get two more, and holds them up, full, so I can see them before he tosses them in the sharps.

I start babbling about “how could there possibly be that much blood in there?” and he reminds me that they took out a huge chuck, and that’s where most of the blood had collected. “See?” he says, and I look down. Oh my god.

I kept my shit in check while he bandaged me up, and started sobbing as soon as he closed the door. This is the first time in my life that I feel like I need a boyfriend. I love the company of men, but I’m just naturally very independent. This is the first time where I feel like I can’t handle everything that’s going on around me, and I need someone to take care of me. So, naturally, now I’m fucking deformed. It’s not like a dent. It’s a crater, a giant hole. And don’t tell me that a good guy won’t care, because even good guys have gag reflexes. It’s hideous. This is just great.

15 Comments

  • By Robb Allen, April 8, 2009 @ 11:39 am

    “So, naturally, now I’m fucking deformed. It’s not like a dent. It’s a crater, a giant hole. And don’t tell me that a good guy won’t care, because even good guys have gag reflexes. It’s hideous. This is just great.”

    Then you’re not meeting the right, good guys. Ever seen what childbirth does to a woman’s body? The stretch marks, the flabby skin, the weight gain, etc? Ask me how sexy I found my wife through both children (even though watching her get an episiotomy almost made me faint).

    The right guy isn’t going to freak out. Your friends won’t freak out. I’m a married man and can’t offer you hugs and any sort of physical consolation, but I can tell you that even though we’ve never met and I know you only through a few, thumbnail sized photos and years of writing, I’m your friend and you have my ear if need be.

    You’ll be fine. You will heal. Maybe not perfectly, but when you find the ‘perfect’ guy who can look down on you for your imperfections, kick him in the teeth. Otherwise, understand that a lot of us here feel for you and you probably have more friends than you think.

  • By TheQueen, April 8, 2009 @ 12:17 pm

    While I agree with what Robb Allen says, I lend a different perspective: have you ever heard a guy, good or not, complain about fake breasts? We might not like the idea of re-opening the wound and popping in even a tiny baggie of silicone to fill the gap, but men are not at all particular.

  • By OrangeNeckInNY, April 8, 2009 @ 12:27 pm

    You’re not deformed. And any guy that shallow who only sees you as a pair of breasts & can’t see you for who you are isn’t worth knowing. Personally, I’m not a breast man. The first thing I notice on a woman is her eyes. They are the connection to the soul. I’m one of these weird guys who don’t care how pretty a woman is on the outside, but if she ugly on the inside, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near her. I wouldn’t even want to see her naked.

    The same reason you don’t have a boyfriend is the pretty much the same reason I don’t have a girlfriend (no, it’s not that I come off as an assclown sometimes :þ). I feel the pain you’re going through and I can sympathize. I know the type of judgmental idiot who is going to say the stupidest things about your “dent.” Don’t let them get to you. If the contents of your soul shine through the imperfections of your skin, people will see that. Beauty is skin deep.

    Like Robb said, a lot of us are here for you. I’ve been told I’m a very good listener, so if you ever need to talk, just shoot me an email.

  • By Stacy, April 8, 2009 @ 12:36 pm

    What Robb said. You might recall Dan’s face, with the scar from cheekbone to chin. “It’ll get less noticeable,” they said. And it eventually did.

    Your boob hole won’t be a gaping sore for long, it’ll heal, then it’ll be an intriguing dent. And the right guy will come up with some game using it that’ll make you laugh then it’ll just be The Boob Dent.

  • By Robb Allen, April 8, 2009 @ 1:09 pm

    Dan has a scar?

    Besides, what guy is going to be turned off by being offered to be shown a boob, dented or not?

    OK, maybe that dude who sang ‘Mad World’ last night on Idol…

  • By Stacy, April 8, 2009 @ 3:06 pm

    Yes, right cheek (as you’re facing him), from cheekbone to almost his jawbone. He had a melanoma removed and they basically flayed open his face to get it all.

  • By Ted Bronson, April 8, 2009 @ 4:48 pm

    Well, hell. First off, good luck with your recovery. I know from experience how bad surgery scars look at first. But they do get better. Secondly, I know from having met you that you are a strong woman, a strong person. When you meet the guy who is that strong too, it won’t matter what your tits look like. “Ain’t no such thing as a bad titty,” I believe the line goes. Third, well I was gonna make a joke about “show ‘em to me and I’ll give you my opinion,” but I wasn’t sure if you would see the funnee right now. Give it time. When I got cut, I swear the scar looked like a vagina on my face. Now it is nice and flat and the flesh filled back in behind it, just looks like a scar. And the doc took out a big honking hunk of my face.

  • By radix, April 8, 2009 @ 5:34 pm

    Wow, this is really turning into a slog for you! I know that you will overcome this obstacle.

    I don’t know how to be subtle about this, so I’ll just say it: you’re a beautiful person, Tanya. I wouldn’t still be here if that wasn’t true. This imperfection does not change that fact.

    May your doctor visits be annual and filled with good news!

  • By Tanya, April 8, 2009 @ 7:22 pm

    I’m not opposed to the idea of plastic surgery, if it needs fixing that badly. But it won’t be healed enough for that for another month at least, and then I won’t be just dying to get all bruised up again.

    And I understand the points about women and babies, but then you get a baby out of the deal. How fired up would you have been if her knockers had looked like that when you met her?

    And mostly it’s just the idea of, like, I’m not going to just throw down with somebody. So the poor schmuck’s going to have to wait and wonder, like it’s Christmas. And then, psych! your present’s broken. And it can’t be fixed or replaced. Feliz fucking navidad, sucker.

  • By Albert, April 8, 2009 @ 8:45 pm

    What Rob said.

    He won’t be a poor shmuck; he’ll be a very lucky shmuck. And his present isn’t broken; his present is fabulous. The ribbon is a little messed up. That’s all.

  • By treppenwitz, April 9, 2009 @ 6:35 pm

    Tanya… first of all, what Robb said.

    Next, this is something cosmetic. If can be fixed. Yeah, ok, it may require a partial boob job (if symmetry is your thing). But you can’t buy fake brains… and being smart is dead sexy. The fact that you happen to be gorgeous is just the cherry on the whipped cream.

    Get healed and then pick a guy who deserves you.

  • By Nathan, April 10, 2009 @ 3:55 pm

    Never cared much about breasts. It was what went on in the head that was most important. Unfortunately I spent twenty years dating neurotic airheads of various, er, capacities, before I met my wife.

    Now while I must admit that my wife wears a D, I married her for her brains, not her boobs. And after reading your stuff for the last several years, what’s on your chest wouldn’t be what I was thinking about if I were single.

    So I’ll echo everyone who’s dittoing Robb.

  • By Nathan, April 10, 2009 @ 3:58 pm

    OBTW, Tanya — my wife was born with a third nipple. It was removed when she was a child. Didn’t (and doesn’t) bother me in the slightest.

    My guess is that most intelligent men won’t be bothered, either.

  • By Matt, April 13, 2009 @ 1:45 pm

    A girl I dated just out of high school had part of a boob torn off in a motorcycle accident. After deep reflection about the aesthetics, I almost immediately realized, “HEY, BOOBS!!!”

  • By Tanya, April 15, 2009 @ 9:55 pm

    Ouch. You win.

    In fact, I might steal that. It’s way cooler than my lame story.

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